Starting university in a new city: the first weeks without friends

Your parents have driven off, the boxes are stacked against the wall, and your flatmate either has not arrived yet or arrived, said “hi” and put their headphones on. Outside the window is a city you do not know, and on your phone is a course group chat where, so far, someone has only asked which room the lecture is in. The first evening still feels exciting. The third one, less so.

If you are starting university in a new city and do not know anyone here, that feeling is completely normal. Most first-years go through the same thing, but hardly anyone talks about it, because everyone looks as if they found their group of friends on day one. Usually they have not. Usually they are pretending too.

In this article you will find a practical plan for the first weeks: where to meet people without forced small talk, how to give your days a shape, what to do about homesickness and how to fill empty evenings so they do not end in three hours of scrolling.

Why the first weeks can be so hard

Moving away for university means several changes at once. Your place, your daily rhythm, the way you study and everyone around you all change. The school friends you used to see every day without making plans are suddenly gone. Every meet-up now needs someone to take the first step, and that is tiring, especially when everything around you is new.

Then there is the comparison trap. On social media, friends from school post photos from nights out in their new cities, and it looks as if you are the only one sitting in your room with a cup of tea. It is not true, but it is hard to believe that at ten on a Tuesday night.

One thing is worth knowing: friendships at university rarely form in the first week. They are far more likely to grow in week six or eight, after a few shared seminars, some collective moaning about a deadline and a random lunch in the canteen. Give yourself time for that slow part.

Where to actually meet people at university

The easiest people to become friends with are the ones you regularly do something with. So rather than looking for “friends”, look for repeated situations where the same people meet every week.

Societies and student groups

At the start of the year most universities hold a freshers’ fair, society taster sessions and welcome events. Go to a few, even if the topic only interests you a little. An academic society, student radio, the student paper, drama, a choir, the students’ union: each of them is a group of people who already know each other and are looking for new members.

Sport

University sports clubs, casual sessions at the gym, a running club, the climbing wall. The good thing about sport is that you do not have to talk much. Conversation happens on its own during the warm-up or in the changing room, and nobody expects witty anecdotes from you.

Volunteering

An animal shelter, a food bank, tutoring children, groups that support international students. Volunteering brings together people who care about something, and it gives you the sense that the new city is slowly becoming yours.

Study groups

The simplest and most underrated option. After the first few classes, post in your course group chat:

“Anyone up for going through the stats notes together on Thursday after the seminar? I can book a room in the library.”

There is always someone else who does not get it either and does not want to study alone. Studying together is the excuse, and the friendship is a side effect.

If things happening around the city appeal to you more than university events, read our article on how to deal with loneliness in a big city. Many of those steps work just as well for students.

Daily rhythm: anchors in a new place

When you do not know anyone, a routine keeps you company. A few fixed points make the city feel less foreign and stop the days from blurring into one.

• A regular time to get up. Even when your first lecture is at noon. Without it, your week quickly drifts into the night.
• One place that is “yours”. The same café, the same reading room, the same bench in the park. After a few weeks someone behind the counter will start to recognise you, and that means surprisingly much.
• Time outdoors. Walking down streets you have not taken before is the cheapest way to get to know the city.
• One fixed slot in your week. Training, choir rehearsal, a society meeting. Something to look forward to.
• Proper meals. It sounds obvious, but pasta with ketchup for the third day in a row does not lift anyone’s mood.

Introverts often feel pressure to “get out there” straight away and then come home drained. You do not have to go to every event. Two good meet-ups a week are worth more than five forced ones. If that sounds like you, have a look at our article on introverts and recharging your batteries.

Homesickness: what to do about it

Homesickness comes in waves. Often it hits hardest on a Sunday evening, after coming back from a weekend at home, when your room feels even smaller than it did on Friday. It does not mean university was a mistake. It means you have something worth going back to.

A few things that help:

1. Do not go home every weekend. At least for the first month, try staying every other weekend. Weekends in a new city are when it is easiest to meet people.
2. Set a regular call with the people you love. Wednesday evening, for example. You know you will speak, so you do not have to ring home every time you feel low.
3. Bring something from home. A mug, a blanket, a photo, a plant. Familiar things turn a rented room into your place.
4. Discover one new thing a week. A cheap café, a museum, a viewpoint. A city starts to feel like yours once it has your places in it.

If you are studying abroad and a foreign language adds to the homesickness, we describe similar experiences in our article on living abroad and missing conversations in your own language.

Empty evenings and an AI character for company

Evenings are often the hardest part. Lectures are over, the halls are quiet, and your new friends are not yet close enough to message about nothing in particular. That is when it is easy to fall into scrolling or into the spiral of “everyone has someone except me”.

This is where chatting with an AI character can be a good bit of small support. On CandysAI the character remembers what you tell it, so you do not have to explain again every time who your flatmate is or what the deal is with that statistics tutor. Sometimes it writes first, too, for example to ask how your first society meeting went.

Some example messages for those evenings:

“First week done. Best moment: someone in the seminar lent me a charger and we chatted for five minutes. Worst: lunch in the canteen at an empty table. Help me work out how to start a conversation with someone next week.”

“On Thursday I’m going to my first volleyball club session and I’m a bit worried everyone already knows each other. Will you ask me afterwards how it went?”

To be honest: an AI character will not replace the people you go for a coffee with after an exam, and it should not. It works best as company in the evening and a place to practise starting conversations, talk about your day and plan tomorrow. If you are curious what a conversation like that looks like, visit our AI girlfriend page, where we introduce the characters and how chatting works.

And when your first exams come round, our article on how talking helps you get through exam stress will come in handy too.

When loneliness is something more

Feeling low in the first weeks is normal. But if the sadness has not lifted after several weeks, if it is hard to get out of bed, you stop going to lectures or you start thinking that nothing makes sense, talk to someone. Most universities offer free student wellbeing or counselling services, so check your university’s website. You can also speak to your GP or a doctor, or contact your local helpline. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans are available on 116 123. In an emergency, call 112 or your local emergency number (999 in the UK).

Summary

The first weeks at university in a new city rarely look like they do in films. More often they are a mix of excitement, tiredness and evenings when the silence is a little too loud. What helps is repeated situations with the same people, a steady daily rhythm, getting to know the city step by step and patience with friendships that need time. And for the evenings when there is no one to message, you can have someone to talk to who remembers your day and will ask how tomorrow went.